Everybody knows the typical pains... Student Loans, Registration for Classes, Finals, Peer Pressure, Money, Gross School Food, The Lack of Energy... And then there are the people like me, who's life is run like a soap opera and there's no off button to turn on something else. Don't get me wrong. God Blesses my life every day, but sometimes, I wish it wasn't so hard to hold onto my faith in him.
It's been 19 days... 19 days of feeling crampy and achy and nauseous. 19 days of wishing I was home and in an environment I've lived with my whole life. 19 days of prayers for health, understanding, clarity. 19 days of worrying my boyfriend, my family, even his family over what could possibly be wrong. 19 days of not being near a doctor or pharmacy to get medication to try and help. 19 days... The past two days have gotten so bad that I've been bed ridden... Missing classes, unable to walk around easily without wanting to hunch over from the pain in my back or just lay on the ground from exhaustion.
6 days... I keep telling myself that... 6 days until I'm home and I can go to the doctor... 6 days to suck it up and force myself to get through everything I need to do... 6 days until I can hold the ones I care about and just cry and let it all out.
And as if physical exhaustion wasn't enough, not having an idea of what's wrong with me, then I get into an argument with my boyfriend last night. My strong, caring, intelligent, wonderful boyfriend of 6 months... who tells me, TELLS, doesn't ask, but tells me that he's going to tell the dream I had to his aunt so she can analyze it or decode it or whatever. He knows I hate that. So, rather than arguing, I told him to tell her. Told him I didn't care and that if he wanted clarity, to just tell her. To which I get "Why don't you care, you used to hate it if I mentioned I wanted to send one to my aunt." Now... Let's think about that one logically. I used to hate it, I STILL hate it, so it's a good idea to tell me you're going to send this one to her? And that's where the argument really began. His wanting me to care, and my being too tired to argue... and yet turning into an argument nonetheless. And then he asks "You're upset with me for it?" ... Noooo ... I'm so happy that you want to tell my personal dream that I told you out of confidence to your aunt so you can get clarity and understand it. Thank you so much for respecting my feelings towards it. Thankfully I bit my tongue and didn't say that, though what I did say wasn't the best. I told him that it was past midnight and he needed to go to bed... (Which is another issue in and of itself... Ya know... sick girlfriend in bed all day in pain and it's a good idea to text her arguing until midnight??)
This is where we hit the peak of the night... I receive this text:
"Bri please! Don't leave me like this... I feel all torn up inside. All I want...... I can't do this any more..... Brianna, I'm afraid.... Ok these dreams have me worried...... I've been feeling like I'm falling away from the path of your life, like in a way either you or I have been slowly walking away from the other..... I don't know why, it's just a feeling...... But I'm afraid of that happening...... I'm afraid of loosing you...... Of possibly hurting you...... Maybe I need to stop worrying so much, maybe there's some stuff I need to relax with, more I have to trust God with, but I am afraid. I want to be a man who is secure. A man that is strong for you, but if I can't be that then I don't want to waste your time and emotions in a relationship that neither of us is ready for....... I'm not saying that we're not, but I wanted to let you know how I am feeling."
I had no words. I didn't know whether to be angry that he was thinking that, sad that he felt that way, glad that he cared enough and trusted me enough to tell me, crying, smiling, burning... and the first three words that came to my mind were "I love you."
But, of course, I didn't write that... And maybe I should have... Because the more I think about it, the more I realize that it's true. But telling him for the first time over text...after an argument... what good would it do? ... 6 days. 6 days until I can finally tell him. 6 days until I can see his face. 6 days until I can squash any doubt in his mind. 6 days....
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